Class is in Session: Etiquette in 2024

What were you raised by wolves?

Class is in session

It’s never too late to pick up some manners that will make you seem like you went to some fancy boarding school in Switzerland.

This post came about after a number of experiences that finally made me say, we’ve lost our way. We’ve become so accepting of untoward behaviors that we don’t bat an eye at failing to hold the door, or helping someone with their bag. We’re so self-involved that we watch TikToks without headphones at the airport, or expect our friends to pay extortionate amounts of money on our pre-wedding gifts and celebrations.

Enough is enough.

Please keep in mind, I am not Countess LuAnn, I’m a regular gal trying to be less annoying and less annoyed. This is a realist’s take on manners in 2024, centered around the fact that, well, we’ve lost them all.

Buckle up because we’re going to have some fun as I break down all of the tawdry behaviors we have unfortunately deemed normal in the modern age.

If you’re a sensitive little bird you might want to exit the chat now. For the rest of you, buckle up. I’m jacked up on caffeine and PMDD.

This list is short and sweet sour. In honor of RHONY, the source of the best one liners in reality television history, and just about the only thing that gets me through my PMDD, imagine this is being read to you by a condescending Countess LuAnn and a sharp-tongued Bethenny Frankel.

LuAnn giving us elegance and flair.

Dine like a dame: Logical consumption

We all know that chewing with your mouth open is a cardinal sin, yet everybody does it. Stop. If you find it difficult to keep your lips closed whilst chewing, that means you put too much food in your mouth. Take smaller bites. Zip the lips.

Talking with food in your mouth is a quick way to give someone the ick. You might even launch bits of food at them from your mouth. That is punishable by death.

Eating with haste. You are not a barnyard animal. You don’t need to eat like someone is going to take your food away. If they are, break up with them.

Clanking your silverware against your teeth with every bite. Ouch? Cringe.

Bringing your face to your fork instead of your fork to your face. In other words, don’t lean down towards your plate. Sit up straight and bring your utensil to your mouth like a fucking human.

If you have to slurp your soup in order to get it down, it is too hot. Let it cool until you can eat it without slurping.

Chewing gum. Unless you are at home alone, gum is simply not acceptable in public. I’m not sure how we’ve gotten so used to people chewing and spitting their gum everywhere all over town, but it must stop. Nobody wants to hear let alone see you chewing. You look like a bratty child smacking on a gum ball. Spit it out.

Popping your gum in public is choosing violence.

Some of you have never met someone with misophonia and it shows. How uncultured.

Sneezing

Sneezing openly in a confined public space is an act of terrorism.

If you’re on an airplane, hold that shit in. People say your eyeballs will pop out for holding in a sneeze but they won’t.

If you MUST sneeze anywhere, do it into the crook of your elbow for god sakes, and NOT YOUR HANDS.

I’ve scoffed at many a person who sneeze right into their palms and proceed to touch everything and everyone around them. They might as well sneeze directly into your face.

Switching gears…

Dinner parties

If you are hosting a dinner party for more than six people, even if it’s in a restaurant, you really should make a seating arrangement. It takes the stress and pressure off of guests to figure out where to sit and risk sitting next to someone they aren’t particularly fond of or comfortable conversing with.

Invite interesting people who you believe will have ample conversation between them. Create your seating arrangement accordingly. And in honor of Larry David’s rule, whoever you place in the middle plays a very important role as the creative director of the dinner table conversation. Do not place a quiet little mouse in the middle. It will ruin the flow.

If you’re attending a dinner party, always bring something for the host. Flowers, an appetizer, a bottle of wine, a candle; it can be simple but you mustn’t show up empty handed.

HOWEVER, don’t be the person that brings a bag of chips. We are adults.

Speaker phone

The only time speaker phone is acceptable is in the privacy of your home. That is all.

No guest dogs

I love dogs. I love MY dogs. Do not ask someone if you can bring your dog over to their house. You’re putting them in an awkward position where they’ll have to either tell you “no,” or they’ll be pressured to reluctantly say yes when they don’t want to.

If it’s a dog-friendly household or they are hosting a doggie play date, they will specify in the invite. Otherwise, assume it’s a no.

Don’t be an entitled bride-to-be

We’ve all been on a bachelorette trip with Stalin. We’re forced to buy the $750 plane ticket to Mexico, only to stay in the mega all-inclusive resort with the shitty buffet food that the bride thinks is “so good”, and pay $450 per night for a four-night extravaganza (way too long). (Not to sound stuck up, but I’ve never heard of an all-inclusive that actually has amazing food. I think that’s kind of why they’re all-inclusive. The economics don’t work otherwise).

We’re made to wear coordinating outfits, which we had to purchase just for this trip, and of course we have to lug an extra jumbo suitcase stuffed with sashes, bedazzled crowns, streamers, balloons, penis necklaces, and all the other paraphernalia required to make the bride-to-be feel special.

I am all for celebrating friends, but there’s a point where the requirements placed on bridesmaids become downright obnoxious.

So this piece of etiquette is specifically for brides to be.

Please, do not force your bridesmaids to take four days of PTO, purchase expensive flights, hotels, activities, special outfits, single-use decor, and gifts to celebrate you. Plus, let’s be honest, they’re paying for all of your booze which, depending on how much of a booze whore you are, is probably pretty damn expensive.

If you want to do a destination bachelorette party, the most gracious thing to do is to book the accommodations yourself and host your guests. It’s okay to ask that they pay for their own flights, but give them enough advance notice for the best possible pricing.

Set expectations with your guests in advance. Be clear about who is paying for meals, alcohol, and activities, so that your guests may be financially prepared to make the trip.

If you’re going to force your bridesmaids to do themes, make them fun, funny, and tasteful. Not to be agist, but unless you’re under the age of 26, avoid trying to be a gaggle of hot mermaids or blinged out cowgirls. It’s tacky. I’m sorry! It is.

The moral is, don’t be an entitled dictator. Be gracious and happy that you have people to celebrate you and your milestones.

Hard left.

Be a gentleman

Call me old school, roast me for leaning into gender norms, it’s fine. I believe men should get off their ass and put your bag in the overhead compartment. Period.

I cannot believe how many times I see able-bodied men sit there and watch as an elderly person struggles to get their bag in the overhead. I jump up every time and help if I’m the closest. Respect your elders people, because that will be all of us someday.

I’ve seen the same idle behavior when a woman is struggling to lift her bag. It’s chivalrous and polite for a man to stand up and help her, and honestly it’s the least they can do. Make yourselves useful and use that biological strength fellas!

Money Talks

Do not ask someone how much they paid for something. Exceptions to this include saying “do you mind if I ask how much you paid for that?” if this is someone you are very close to, say, top 10 inner circle. Or if it’s sharing business resources, like if a fellow founder friend asks me what my web developer’s hourly rate is.

Do not offer up unsolicited information on how much YOU spent on something. “I just bought this bag from Toteme for $1,300!” That’s gauche.

Do not buy someone a gift and tell them what you spent on it. Again, it’s gauche and ruins the whimsy for the receiver.

Do not ask someone how much money they make, and do not tell people how much money you make. Now this is nuanced, because I do believe in income transparency in the case of the wage gap. If women are armed with more data on what their peers are making, it will empower them with more leverage in compensation negotiations. You still shouldn’t flat out ask someone what they make.

Call me old school but…

Phones off the table

We are all addicted to our phones. There, now that we’ve acknowledged that, put your goddamn phone away when you are dining with others. If you’re at a girls dinner and you want to snap some quick pics, get those photos girl! And then put your phone away in your bag. There’s nothing more depressing than looking over at a table of friends and seeing them all hunched over, heads down, faces glowing in the light of their phones.

You are a star. You are not THE star.

Don’t be that person who shouts “let me see!” the second the group photos are taken. It’s brazen and desperate. I knew a girl who would literally elbow people out of the way to be front and center for group shots, and then sprint over to the cameraman to make sure SHE looked good. If she disapproved, she’d force everybody to line up for a reshoot. It was pathological, yet I think we all know someone like this.

Don’t be that person.

What are your favorite societal rules to live by? Let me know in the comments.

I’ll leave you with this GEM from the Countess. And remember people, money can’t buy you class, elegance is learned, my friends.

Thanks for reading.